Part 1 of 4:
Is anyone else fucking bored...
…of people living their life for them? Trying to dictate what you should or shouldn’t be doing. Telling you to get a job, or go to university, find a partner, lose weight, cheer up, whatever?
It seems there’s a little bit of Boris leaking into our everyday lives. Move out, but renting is a waste – so don’t move out. Get a job, but not that job. Find a partner, now leave your partner. Go to school, but if you can go to school and everyone goes to school, then be different and don’t go to school.
We can all see the irony in Boris’ conflicting messages, because so much of our own lives are critiqued in the same way.
Despite these reviews (usually) coming from a place of love, they can often do us more harm than good.
It can take a long time, and huge bollocks, to stand up for yourself and do what you want, after years of thinking that wasn’t ok.
At different points in our lives, it becomes harder to stay true to oneself, especially when these obstructive, defeatist observations come from those we love – those who should have our best interests at heart.
So, how on earth are we meant to know what’s right?
How are we supposed to analyse and evaluate these comments objectively, for ourselves, when they’re often pejorative, conflicting, and all we can hear?
How do we shut out the noise and do what is best for ourselves?
“Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends and family.”
Part 2 of 4: Learning the hard way.
Having moved back in with my family to launch MISSRO, then immediately been locked down, the last few months have been HELL.
Not only have I lost the freedom of having my own space, and to an extent my “adulthood,” but I’ve had to deal with the consequences of leaving my “real job” and starting a project on my own. For an independent and indecisive social recluse, that’s plenty enough to be dealing with.
Unfortunately, throughout the quarantine, I’ve been unable to escape the all-consuming commentary regarding my life choices, courtesy of anyone and everyone I encounter. Even my 12-year-old sister sings the same lyrics, like an unwelcome iPod repeat-shuffle, “You don’t do anything, do you?” remixed with “You don’t even have a real job!”
Now, I’m not unfamiliar with this scrutiny, in fact, it’s been a frequent occurrence throughout my life.
If it wasn’t “sending you to that school was a great use of money” or “shouldn’t you use the lockdown to lose some weight?” I’d hear “I owned a Porsche, and a house, when I was your age” and “you’re a waste of space”.
But, like many of us, I’ve had to learn the hard way that living to please others will ultimately lead to a lifetime of regret.
You can’t satisfy the unsatisfiable.
Just because someone else doesn’t think my life is “real,” doesn’t mean that it isn’t.
So, I must say to my sister, what is a real job? What would a real job give me that I don’t have right now? Why would your “X” be better than my “Y”? And better compared to what?
All these expectations of what a future would or wouldn’t hold, what could have been achieved already, and what should be done in the present to better it.
We must get used to reminding ourselves; “better” compared to what?
Your value does not decrease based on
someone’s inability to see your worth.
Part 3 of 4: Learning the hard way, again.
Making the jump to work for myself was a hard one. Especially as it went against everything that everyone else wanted. But having made the best choice for me, for the very first time, I feel free.
I’m no longer scared of getting fired. I’m no longer worried about my performance, oversleeping, or doing things I don’t agree with. I no longer wonder where my place is within a company, whether I belong.
Going it alone has helped me to believe in myself. It’s helped my confidence and self-esteem no end. I am finally happy. And on the days when I’m not happy, I’m still content. Nothing ever feels like the end of the world anymore.
And, isn’t that better? Better than saying “I have lots of qualifications” or “I work for XandCo” or “I own a Porsche”? For someone who’s spent half her life not wanting to live it anymore, I think so.
Having total control over my own life, I am entirely responsible for sourcing my income, and I hold myself fully accountable for my actions. It’s fucking sick.
So, what I can’t seem to fathom is how – despite having spent almost a year working out my project totally alone, in complete and utter bliss – now that I have no escape from the tyrannical, disadvantageous advisors, I’m being watched and evaluated by every single person who steps into or out of my house.
The cleaner wants to know if I ever plan on moving out, the postman wants to know “but what are your plans, you know, long term?” The lady who walks the dog taps her watch as she questions whether i’ve got a man yet, and the gardener thinks I should be focusing my time on alternative marketing strategies.
Of the speakers emitting this vast array of empty knowledge and useless nonsensical advice, not one person holds any experience in starting or running a business. Not one person has ever worked in marketing, or accounts, or e-commerce. It seems that lockdown has spawned a new breed of expert. People are compelled to speak up about topics they have little to no understanding of. But why can’t we laugh at them, like we do at Trump’s proposed line of Dettol vaccinations?
How is it, if you stick enough idiots into the same space and they all agree on the same thing (i.e. that I need to do something, or anything, differently), that we start to believe it’s true?
My mindset is faltering. I question myself. My plans. My actions. I’m procrastinating and putting things off. I’m actually working less because I’m being told that I do nothing.
And, of course, it’s not just me. I see the same thing happening to people I love and respect. Constantly being told that they are incorrect (like, fundamentally, as living thinking humans) or that their way isn’t good enough. How they should have done X, Y, and Z differently, and how they could be “insert somewhere better” if they’d listened, or gone with head instead of heart.
I see these people being broken from the outside in. Each comment chipping away at another vital piece of them.
"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”
“Too many people have opinions on things they know nothing about. The more ignorant they are, the more opinions they have.” - Thomas Hildern
Part 4 of 4: How to shut out the noise and stay sane.
Why can’t people trust that I am capable of living my life productively? It’s hard, it’s fucking hard, to keep reiterating your worth to yourself. To keep believing in something, when all you hear are its flaws. And, having never been great at following my own good advice, lockdown has massively fucked with my own self-belief.
Being that I’m in an almost permanent state of meltdown, all of my own accord, I’ve had to learn, once again, how to manage the oncoming arsehole traffic around me, so that it doesn’t make an already tough situation (aka life) any worse.
Below are some rules I try to live by, to stay sane.
REMIND YOURSELF
No matter how convincing something might sound, there’s every chance they could be wrong. We all thought the earth was flat, once upon a time. Can you, personally, even prove that it’s not?
ASK YOURSELF
Do you really want to live within the bounds of others’ limiting thoughts, including those that were formed from someone else’s limited opinions?
PERMIT YOURSELF
A life, rid of repressive people. We can’t always do this literally, especially when it comes to our own families, but we can make an effort to shield from the (negative comments) they throw at us and manage how they affect us.
BLINKER YOURSELF
Develop the skill to recognise and ignore those who project their own self-consciousness, self-disbelief, doubts, shortcomings, failures, inability, limitations. people who criticise others because they’re not happy in themselves. Reflecting their own limitations/limiting beliefs.
“Sometimes people put up walls, not to shut people out, but to protect what is left within.”
RESET YOURSELF
When you encounter negativity, hit the reset button. Make a note of the points raised. Let them settle. Re-evaluate their merit after allowing some time to truly think about the issues raised. Perspective. Look at these unwanted comments from the other person’s shoes – could you be overthinking, or have the wrong end of the stick?
SURROUND YOURSELF
With those who believe in you and your ability. There’s no point hoping for positive feedback from negative people. Focus on building relationships with peers who approve of or even just accept your goals. People who know what you’re capable of, and who will back you. People who don’t necessarily invest in all your ideas, but people who are 100% invested in you.
GIVE YOURSELF
A chance! Discuss your concerns with someone you trust, that you know will provide 100% honest, realistic, and unbiased advice. By allocating more weight to the opinions of people who usually support you, you can hope for a more positive, yet truer, overview of the facts. If your idea is good, they will surely encourage you. If your idea is shit, these people can be trusted to tell you honestly, in a way that is constructive, helpful, and doesn’t cut you to the core.
KNOW YOURSELF
Do you allow/give too much weight to others’ views? Find a space where you can be completely honest, and begin to notice/accept/understand who you are. Allowing yourself time to be unapologetically you is immensely important for self-discovery, self-belief, and self-worth.
It’s almost impossible to live a full life in the wake of external pressures. By ignoring them, I set up MISSRO so I could start living my own life. But I continually need the product to stay true to that plan.
I want a chance to action my plans without interference. Or, to analyse my concerns that X, Y, and Z might be right. I need to mull these things over in my own time, away from the ambush. A place to hear my own voice. I deserve a space to organise my thoughts, to plan for my future, and to make decisions of my own accord – somewhere that no one can put me or my choices down. Something for me and me alone.
Missro is about taking back the control that external pressures, and internal battles, take away from you. Rob from you. It’s not going to be hacked into or shared with Cambridge Analytica, it’s not backed up in the cloud. It’s real. It’s me. And it’s mine. Only mine.
It’s how I live my life – without it, I don’t really live at all.
MISSRO is for me, and for me alone.
It can work for you too, just make sure you…
